Crossing my limits; I feel like I am crossing my limits. They said I'd find it but what if I say I don't want it? Like a loner, I dwell deeper into the black hole I created. Like a loser, I wander the streets aimlessly. I don't know when I started looking more at the ground than the sky or when I lost my symphony in the never-ending chaos of this world. They told me I needed to be the best, like a light; they said I had to fly like an eagle on its first flight. But why don't they care about me? Why don't they see that my dreams are beyond these boundaries?
When I look in the mirror, yes, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a coward. A coward too scared to face their eyes or to even hear their words. The world feels like an ocean floor. No, it doesn’t feel good to drown deeper every day. I am trying hard to get out of this nightmare. It scares me to my core when I think that life is going to be longer. Will I be running this senseless marathon till I can’t breathe anymore? Would I break so much that there will not be a soul who could fix me? I am holding my hands out, yes, I am holding my hands out, but nobody seems to hold them tight. I feel like a puppet, tamed and scripted by the rhythm of this world. I don’t want to do the things that everybody does. But I am molded so and, sometimes,forced to be so. I am so lost that I can’t help but ask myself: who are you?
Reality can be stranger than fiction. Yes, reality can be stranger than fiction. My paradise seems to slip out of my hands every moment. I don’t want to hear what she did or what he achieved. I just want to be me. Is that so bad? Why does it seem like a sin when I go against them? No, I am not like them. I deserve a life. I deserve a living. I deserve loving. What if my dream is to eat, sleep and have a lot of fun? No, I won’t hurt you. I would never come in your way. I would remain like a shadow, unaware of your whims and fancies. Tell me, would you like that? Tell me, would you accept that? I tried smiling for you. Yes, I tried smiling for you even when I didn't want to. It makes me feel trapped, helpless and hopeless. You have made me into a machine, a mass of flesh and bones, devoid of any emotions. I tried being happy but nobody recognizes me anymore. I am not what I used to be, what I was destined to be. No, I don’t see how this depressing cycle will lead me to becoming happy. What kind of hypocrisy is this? They said I'd get my heaven if I believed in what they wanted me to do but why does it feel like I am getting closer and closer to my own demise? My paradise is pretty different from your perceptions of it.
They say I am living my life to the fullest every day but what if all the pressure is slowly leading me to my first death. I call it my first death because the mortal body can operate even without a soul, without an intellect. But you know what? I don't care anymore! Yes, I don't care anymore. What has your definition of good and bad ever given me except pain, misery and those hideous marks? I want to speak and I want to be heard but, strangely, I don't have a voice anymore. It feels like I am trapped in this dark abyss of time forever; like this vicious cycle would never come to an end. Every breath, every tear, every fear is my paradise. The words that I breathe out are my paradise. All the failures in my life are my paradise. I am not the one to fight a losing battle; I am not a rebel without a cause. This rat race has exhausted me and made me weak. I am out here running for nothing, my friend. My breath becomes shorter and my heart beats faster when I think of that moment when all these worries are farther. How euphoric that moment would be when you set me free! But I know that it is a far fetched dream. Yet, I won't lose hope, for I will be waiting for the day I create my own paradise, where there would be none but myself and my fantasies.
-Sunaina Sabat
BA (Hons.) Political Science
(Edited by Tushita and Pallavi
Art curated by Ritika)
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