Weddings have always been major events in the Indian lifestyle. A lot goes into planning a “typical” Indian wedding. From things like the clothing, the food and the venue, to even something as minimal as the flowers used in vermalas are based on detailed discussions. It’s a big day, after all. So, while talking about Indian weddings, it is not possible to not talk about the rituals that these weddings accommodate — one being kanyaadaan.
Growing up in an Indian household and being an active witness to these rituals, the ritual of kanyaadaan has always piqued my senses — the reason being the literal meaning of the word, which is to give away one's daughter as a gift. But the normalisation of the ritual and the ignorant attitude that surrounds it (along with many other things in India) had made me reluctant to question its authenticity initially. So, when my Instagram got spammed with stories of Dia Mirza (the Bollywood actress) refusing to carry out the ritual and having a priestess perform her ceremony to promote equality and question patriarchy, my journey of decoding kanyaadaan got its start.
Like many other rituals performed in India, this ritual is also taken from the depths of Vedas and has been carried out since Vedic times. But surprisingly, Vedic meaning defines kanyaadaan as the union between two families and states that the consent of the bride is primary in the bond of marriage, which is very different from the notion that is in use today. This is where the Manusmriti makes its appearance. The Manusmriti has been criticized on various occasions in India, one of its notable critics being Dr. B.R Ambedkar, father of the Indian constitution. The Manu texts define the role of women quite differently from the Vedas. The necessity of male guardianship for women, using daughters as a way of forming alliances, women taking their husband’s name and a supposed perfect image of a wife are all brainchildren of the Manu texts. Thus appears the ongoing notion of kanyaadaan.
The current notion of “giving away one’s daughter to the groom's family” promotes objectification of women and justifies treatment of women as property. It further translates into a practice where the father gives in gift his most prized possession, as though transferring the authority rights to a material object. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred act and not an act of “give and take”. It is often said that kanyaadaan is the biggest noble deed that a father performs which finally discharges him from the responsibility for his daughter. I can say with certainty that all Indian women, including me, have at least once in their lifetime heard people referring to them as “paraya dhan”, which projects the image of a burden of some kind for women. This also lays down the picture of males being superior to females and manifests their image as the real successors, while women are left with sexist expectations. Acts like kanyadaan promote unnecessary obligations that women have to fulfil like adjusting themselves to fit into their groom’s lifestyle and family and migrating away from their own family.
While something like this might have been unquestionable in Vedic times, the continual of these rituals, and moreover, their glorification in the name of tradition in the 21st century, when the role of women has dramatically evolved and we talk about ideologies like feminism and equality, is highly inappropriate.
India, in the past, has witnessed some of the most inhumane practices against women and the fight against them continues till date. So, every practice that puts females as the second gender needs to be eliminated from this world, including kanyaadaan. While I support that the history of a country is duly important, there are some parts that are better forgotten. Unchanging rituals cannot be sustained in a changing world, and as a young adult who is on the path of learning and unlearning, I can assure you of that. Being a single girl child, I have always faced subtle hints of sexism in my life, and maybe that is what has made me more sensitive towards women’s issues, but in all honesty, I do not regret it even a little. Because as I grew up, I also became aware of the fact that the normalisation of subtle sexism knows no limits and it is in dire need of change.
While the prevalent practices might disappoint you and me, but as your peer, it is my duty to leave you with a light of hope to hold onto. On this journey of “unwinding kanyaadaan”, I was fortunate enough to have experienced some intermittent moments of happiness that are worth being shared and cherished.
A father in Bengal recently stated, “My daughter is not an object,” and he refused to perform kanyaadaan. I felt the power of equality when a bride came forward, refusing to marry if kanyaadaan was performed. I felt my chest swell when a priestess from Pune said, “You can’t change your age but you can surely change your mindset,” and when several other women refused to become prisoners held by the shackles of oppression. Even if it is a hundred year-old tradition, when something needs to be changed, it should be changed. And trust me, it's us who form the world and it's also us who will reform the world.
So, I ask myself, “Is kanyaadaan really kanya friendly?” My heart and mind resound with a firm “no”, and I do not regret it.
[Edited by Ragini Kumari and Mehak Aggarwal
Art Curated by Guniya Sharma]
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